sorry for the lack of posting

i have been very busy but wanted to let you guys know that Sarah will have an MRI on September 17th. please pray for her that all goes well. She is to have these MRI's for the next 4 years. they are checking to make sure no tumor is growing back.. i will let you know how it goes...

Sarah continues to improve with her walking. She is learning sign language and is doing well. i have to video her signing the things she has learned...stuff like; more, thank you, help, baby,all done... it's amazing to see this little 19 month old communicating with signs....
have to get going....

the fun has begun!

Let the fun begin...
we started Physical and speech therapy with Sarah, which is helping her speech, not to sure if it's doing anything with her walking! She has just decided that the little things at the end of her feet are there to walk on!

We are teaching her sign language and we are noticing that she is trying to speak now. she gets her point across... especially when she has to go potty.... we hear you loud and clear little girl!

here she is walking, in the video below if you've joined this blog by the link of http://www.glhoffman2004.blogspot.com/ you have already watched it! but as a mother of this daughter, I could sit and watch it over and over, each step she takes reminds me of the miracles God has performed already!

Sarah started to take steps a few weeks ago, but now we are noticing that she is choosing to walk more then crawl, and even does a "side walk" up the stairs! so far we have had no mishaps! going up and down the stairs or falling into something! keep praying about that this will continue!

We are headed to a little carnival later, I'm hoping to post pictures of her later. so please check back, and once again, I thank you for checking in on our little girl!

where she is today!

this is Sarah today....

she has gone through so much to get to where she is, but With God as her strength already she is doing it! Sarah one day you will read this and so i just wanted to share some of my heart with you....

the day we found out you were going to be ours was a day like no other, God formed you in my womb and He choose not to reveal that you were there! from that point on I realized you were full of Secrets!!

The day we got to see you face to face was like no other day...

the moment you held our thumb was like no other day....

The day you stopped breathing was like no other....

the day we got to go home as a family (wires and all)was like no other...

the days that you were back in the hospital were like no other...

God had a plan for you, like no other...

The day we heard the words, "she has a brain tumor (thankfully) were like no other...

The day we found out that the operation went well, was like no other...

The day we found that you were no longer a cancer patient was like no other....

God has a plan for you, like no other....

The day we brought you home again, was like no other...

The day I kissed your 25 stitches, was like no other....

The moment you smiled through your swollen face, was like no other...

God has a plan for you, like no other,,

Our Christmas of '07, was like no other....

The day you began to sit up, was like no other...

My Mother's day of '07, was like no other...

God has a plan for you, like no other...

The Day you began to crawl was like no other

Father's Day of '07, was like no other...

the day you began to sit up, was like no other...

The day you began to crawl, was like no other...

God has a plan for you, like no other...

The day your first MRI came back clear, was like no other...

The day you took those first steps, was like no other...

Sarah you have been a fighter through your short life, I am sure that you have put a smile of the face of Jesus! all heaven rejoiced when you came through the surgery, man part of me wishes i could watched as heaven cheered you on! It is not done yet, every accomplishment you do, they rejoice and Jesus is saying,"that's my girl!"

Sarah you are blessed with so many miracle stories, that i believe God is going to use to reach others, keep accomplishing the tasks set before you and greater will be your reward some day. Always remembering it is God in you giving you strength to press on! with out him you can do nothing little girl. mommy and daddy love you more then you will ever know!

more then what they thought...

Sarah is definitely a little miracle girl! I know that all babies are miracles....but there are some that you sit and you think, they are here after they've been through all of that....

so many times i find myself just looking at pictures and watching Sarah as she has grown and think, what is God up to with her life.

Sarah began putting on the weight at around 3 months. We began to notice that she wasn't doing what her sister was. Developmentally Sarah as falling behind. And i also know that each child is different and that it's not fare to compare, but come on, parents do and somehow that makes it okay, right?

WE noticed that Sarah wasn't eating anymore then her sister but yet her weight was becoming an issue, and with the weight issue came the "problems" Sarah wasn't able to support her own weight at all, she wasn't even trying.

She was in and out of the hospital for breathing problems, (if you want to know more about this then read some older post..)

Sarah had made it out of surgery and the Doctor explained that when he got to the tumor there was calcium all around it, meaning that the tumor had to of been there for a while, and seeing that she was only a year old, she may have had it there her entire life.

At the time of surgery Sarah weighed 30 pounds...go ahead and say it, it's okay..."wow that 's a big girl!" she weighed as much as her 2 .5 year old brother. no wonder she couldn't move around, right?

the awesome news is that it's going on 9 months and Sarah still weighs 30 pounds, she hasn't gained a pound and it's not a concern!!! and she has not been admitted back into the hospital for "breathing problems" God has been so good to us! We miss the nurses at the hospital, in a way but it's a good thing right?

okay now onto the a more serious note.

the last post i mentioned that the tumor was being sent away....well it only took a few days and it was determined that is was a low grade cancer tumor. At this point a parent must make a decision, focus on the good or the bad. WE as parents choose to rejoice...

I rejoiced that God allowed us to find this nasty tumor before it went on any longer, I praised the Lord that He kept me back from going with my daughter in the ambulance to the hospital when this all started. I praised the Lord that DR. A's eyes were still open to my daughter. Although He and the nurses had seen Sarah 3 or 4 days per months they didn't treat her like she was a regular patient. they were attentive to her.

I praised the Lord the He opened the door for the Doctor to have an opening to perform the surgery a day after we found out Sarah had a brain tumor, this never happens unless it's a God thing! God was in it from the very beginning! He saw Sarah through it and is still seeing her through it.

Because it was a low grade cancer tumor Sarah has to have MRI's every few months to make sure the tumor is not growing back. They do this to make sure no radiation or chemo is needed.

the song that goes through my mind at this point of the testimony is, " His report says VICTORY..whose report will you believe, His report says VICTORY!!!"

Sarah is walking in the Grace of God. Her name is so fitting and ordained by God..."Sarah Grace" here are some picture of Sarah...then and nowwe had just got her stitches out and were finally able to celebrate the girls 1st birthday (below)...Sarah had to be isolated until the stitches were removed.....

we found our right before this picture (below), that Sarah's MRI came back with Great news! no tumor was growing back!

We are coming up onto our 2nd MRI in a few weeks.

and this is Sarah now:

you can't even see the scar!

surgery

I the night before Sarah's Surgery i was very busy emailing and calling people. letting them know that Sarah was going to need surgery to remove the brain tumor. Jacob stayed with me in the hospital. and we were preparing ourselves for the next day.

Our other 3 three children were taken to Grandma and Grandpa's, so that our attention could be solely on Sarah. She was such a trooper.

This is Sarah and Daddy the morning of the surgeryand this is My parents with Sarah. They wanted to be with us to help us through the day and to just be our support. this pictures is just a few minutes before we headed downstairs the the OR.


WE said a prayer for the Doctor and for Sarah and then we were off.

Those last few minutes we had with our daughter went way to fast!

The Doctor came out and showed us exactly where the incision would be and how long it would take. Sarah was then placed in the nurses arms where we watched as Sarah looked at the nurse and then looked at us, instead of crying she let out this squeal! she mad eye contact with the nurse and never looked back at us again.

God was so real at that moment. We asked that he'd give Sarah peace as they carried her off and that peace was so evident! it would have been heart wrenching if Sarah was screaming as they took her away, I didn't want to see my Daughter like that before the surgery.

We knew that God was in control, but we had no idea what His plans were. But we placed Sarah in His Arms and humbly asked that he would simply prepare us for what the "plan" was.

God was working, we had the peace that surpasses all understanding. She is not ours, she is a gift from God. We get the privilege to "rent" our sons and daughters.

we were told that the operation would take 4-5 hours. and that we would be called when she was done.

we had decided to go someplace. I didn't not want to sit and wait, so we did the next best thing...we went shopping at Walmart!!

Those 4.5 hours went so slow! and then the phone rang.

Sarah had made it through the surgery and was headed to the PICU.
The doctors told us what we were walking in on, more so that we wouldn't freak out! Sarah was sleeping and was resting comfortably. she was placed on Morphine and so it was making her sleepy. she had 25 stitched, and her eye was pretty swollen. she could not open it.
As I walked into the room, i looked at her and i saw nothing more then a miracle baby that was so beautiful!! She is a big/little girl with an even bigger plan from God on her life!!.

She was fighting the bandage on her head and the nurses decided to tie her arms down, which just made Sarah more mad! she was able to get out of everything they tried. finally i spoke up and said, just take it off her head, she will leave it alone. when they finally listen to my advice, Sarah did exactly what i said, she left her head alone!
The next 24 hours would be crucial. she needed to eat and make eye contact.
At first we couldn't get her to drink anything and their was a concern that she would need a blood transfusion. I got on the phone and asked people to believe with us that this wouldn't need to happen. with in 4 hours of asking for prayer Sarah showed signs of getting better.
She was moved to a normal room.
the plan was to begin weaning her from the morphine and the first day she could go with only Tylenol as needed, they would discharge her with in 48 hours.
the very next day she was off of it, but needed Tylenol every 4 hours. so we were just playing a waiting game..meanwhile Sarah become more and more like herself...





this was Sarah a couple of days after her surgery!

the floor actually put up the Christmas tree and had the children in each room call Santa!The lady holding Sarah by the tree quickly become both mommy and Sarah's favorite!

She was another one of our favorites!

This was the team...The surgeon on the left was the one who was in charge!! Sarah was doing wonderful until this group of white coats walked in!! she was not a fan of them!!!

they doctors and nurses where all amazed at how well Sarah was doing! and how quickly she got off of the Morphine! It was truly a testimony of How God uses doctors sometimes! I truly believe that God can do all things, but at times He chooses to use Doctors. Dr T did not heal my daughter, God used him, used his hands to heal my daughter.

We had to now wait for the biopsy to come back. but we were just rejoicing that God allowed us to have our daughter a little longer! She is a fighter and i tell everyone, God has a huge plan for this little girl!

The heartbeat of JESUS!

On November 21, 2007 (which was the girls first birthday) my husband took Sarah along with her three siblings out for the morning so that I could get some sleep after working all night. It was going well. so we thought...

When they returned, Jacob mentioned to me that Sarah was gagging a lot. I seriously thought had something stuck in her throat or on the roof of her mouth. they were home about 15 minutes and my motherly instincts kicked in, or maybe it was God giving me wisdom...you can be the judge.

I was not able to help Sarah get whatever it was causing her to gag, out. I tried everything but nothing was working. Sarah was breathing okay, she was just not herself.

i decided that she needed to get to the closest ER. Her doctor's office was closed and so i did the next thing i knew...rushed her to the ER. I walked in and went to the desk and said, "she's having problems breathing." they rushed us back and gave her Oxygen right away. they had a pulse-ox on her and as long as the oxygen was on her she was okay, but as soon as it was taken away, it dropped to about 75. They couldn't let her go home because if you know anything about our oxygen level it needs to be in the upper 90's.

Sarah was definitely not herself, she wasn't fighting the mask, she was just sitting in my lap, with her head pressed up against my chest. not fighting anything or anyone.

the decision was made to send her to the children's hospital...yep Sarah saw need to see Dr. A and her favorite nurses. one more time. the problem was, i had 3 other children at home and a husband who needed to go back to work. we don't live near any family and so i was stuck. I had no other choice but to kiss Sarah Good bye and meet up with her in the Hospital. This was all part of God's plan...

God was holding me back,I felt in my heart, although it was difficult, I had to let her go by herself. "You give and you take away, but my heart will choose to say, bless it be the Lord..."

I will be honest, I cried when the ambulance drove off.

it was now about 4:30, I had to go home and try to call my boss to let her know most likely i would not be coming into work that night, We had to try and get someone to come over so that i could be free to go tp teh hospital

....Around 6:00 I was still at home trying to tie the knots, making sure everyone was okay for me to leave, and then the phone rang.

this is what i heard on the other end...

The Doctor was on the other end, "mom so whats been going on with Sarah?"

me: she was gagging and staring today, just not herself, and at the ER she couldn't keep her oxygen up past 75%

Doctor: he wanted to run some test on Sarah, because she just wasn't herself. he asked for permission

Me: yes please do what ever you need to, just remember her veins are hard to get to,So i request the best nurse that has worked on children, no one else.

Doctor: "when will you be coming here?"

ME: ASAP

we say good bye. after he encourages me that she's okay.

i run upstairs to back my bag, and when i come downstairs the phone was ringing.

i answered it again, (By this time Jacob is walking in the house).

It was the doctor again: "mom, i don't want to get you worried, your daughter is doing fine okay? but when I got off the phone with you just a few minutes ago, I walked into Sarah's room and she was twitching on her right side. I ordered a C.A.T scan right away. and we are waiting for the results. i will call you back when i get the results. Please don't go anywhere until you hear from me again. okay.

Me: okay, but she is okay right, she's breathing and all?

Doctor: yes she's moving around, she breathing, shes doing okay.

Me: okay please call me back as soon as you hear something.

WE say good-bye

This was when i completely lost it! I had to go back in the house and tell my husband what the doctor just told me, I couldn't even get the words out, he prayed and i composed myself enough to tell him, "Sarah is okay but she was twitching on her Right side,I have to call Pastor and get people praying for Sarah. So I called my Pastor, didn't get an answer, so I called my one neighbor who is like family told her and asked her to please pray for Sarah, Called Pastor again and this time i got through.

As soon as i heard his voice,I lost it again, I told him that they did a C.A.T scan and they were waiting for the results, but that Sarah had been twitching...He began to pray and rebuked this attack, he prayed for peace, he prayed for wisdom and safety. As he prayed, I felt complete peace come over me, not peace that this world gives, but peace like I've never felt before, Jesus himself had given me peace that was so badly needed.

i told him i needed to make some more calls and that we'd call him when i found out more.

The doctor called us back and said, "Mom we are life flighting Sarah. I really don't like telling you this over the phone, but in this situation i will. (I wish i could some how put into words how much love you could hear in his voice,) your daughters scan showed bleeding on the left side of her brain. she is stable and we've ordered am MRI and EEG to see if what i saw, when i walked into her room, was a seizure..."

my world stopped...i can not explain to you the thoughts that were going through my mind...while he was still talking i softly said, "Jesus help me, help her" once again that peace came into me.

There was a battle going on, and Satan would not win, for fear is not from God.

The Doctor told us that she would be in PICU of the hospital, come as soon as you can, but don't worry, she is going to be okay.

My husband and i made more phone calls to the pastor and to family and then we were off to the hospital.

it was the longest 1 1/2 hour drive that i have ever taken. On the ride we prayed that God's will be done, We simply asked that God would prepare us for what ever his plan was. we played worship songs and prayed the entire time.

we got to the hospital and they took us go see Sarah, she was sleeping so we stayed for just a little bit and then they called us over to the computer to show us what they had seen.

Let me stop here, to explain something:

the moment i walked into Sarah rooms, God should me the following, (and for all of you who are reading this and thinking, I'm a "bad" mother for not going with my daughter on the ambulance, hopefully this will change your mind about me.) Remember how i said It was God keeping me back from going with her, well i realized that this was all part of God's plan, you see if I would have gone with Sarah on the ambulance, I would most likely of been holding Sarah when the doctor walked into her room, making the twitching less noticeable. that twitching is what raised the red flags that something else was going on. I praise the Lord that I wasn't there and that SArah was twitiching as the Dcotor walked into her room, and you will know why as you continue to read.

Now back to What was happening in the hospital:

they wanted to do an MRI but they said they needed to wait on it. Sarah would have to be sedated and because she had a little cold, (and was a big baby) it was too risky, she may not be able to come out of the sedation. but they were keeping a close watch on her and if her vital signs dropped then they would be forced to go ahead with it. they were also watching for more twitching.

She was on oxygen and fluids only through an IV , they had wires on her chest keeping track of her vital signs...it was heart wrenching to see my little girl like that.

We were now playing the waiting game, Sarah had to get better or clear up a little before they would do this MRI to see what was really going on. they were not 100% sure if it was "just" bleeding, they needed to find out. We did know from the EEG that she was having seizures. WE waited 3 days before they could do any further testing on her. they eventually did the MRI.

I was to the point of just needing to go home and spend time with my other children, take a shower and just get a different perspective or view, what ever you want to call it. I knew that Sarah as in the best place she could be. So I left her and went home just for the day. My plan was to go back up around 7:00 at night.

SO i decided i would sit down at the computer and just send emails to update people who were praying.

As i sat down at the computer i had this over whelming peace come upon me. and instantly i saw my husband and i holding Sarah while Jesus bent down and picked us up and brought us close to His chest. All we could hear was HIS heartbeat. now if you are a mom or a parent, you know that the mother's heartbeat calms a crying baby and gives the baby peace.

It was as though Jesus was picking us up to bring us close to him, so that we would hear his heartbeat. by now there were at least 100 or more people praying not only for Sarah but for us as parents, God was hearing their prayers and we were being blessed with showers of peace.

God didn't make us go through this on our own, He showed me that Jesus was carrying us through it, and as long as we listened to HIS heartbeat we would have peace....

I shared this "vision" with Jacob and a couple of others, they were speechless. what can you say after something like that? not much..

I headed back to the hospital, ready to take on what ever came our way. The next day Jacob was at the hospital to hear what the results were, He knew i shouldn't do it by myself so he made arrangmetns for babysitters and school for our one boy...he made sure everything was taken care of!

The doctor walked in and said, all the nice polite stuff and then just laid it our for us, he said, "your daughters MRI came back and I'm sorry to have to tell you this but she has a brain tumor. My world stopped again,I closed my eyes and that's when i saw arms surrounding us...it was up to me would i listen for the heartbeat? The doctor reached up and grabbed my hand and said, "It's going to be okay. You guys don't have to choose to operate on it now, we can wait, but i will tell you this and it never happens, but I have an opening tomorrow! "(now lets get real, how many of you know that this NEVER happens unless it's a God thing!) My husband looked at me and i looked at him, all i said was "heartbeat" and he knew, it was as though we already new and we didn't need to pray about the decision. God had showed us already! and people were already covering Sarah in Prayer! There was no time to put it off. ( now i don't suggest that any of you who may be reading this go and make HUGE decisions like this with out praying, but Jacob and i both knew with out doubt that God was in it and was leading us EVERY step of the way. We knew that we knew that we knew God was saying do it, don't wait.)

I will tell you , that i did not think once about the danger that my daughter was in, at that moment when we said, "yes go ahead and do the surgery". her life was on the line and this thought didn't even cross my mind, why? because all i was hearing was the heartbeat of Jesus, when we had Sarah and her sister dedicated, we had Given Sarah back to the Lord and we meant it, she was not ours to keep, God could do anything he wanted with her, we simply asked that he would prepare us for His plan with her life. And with out a doubt he had prepared us.

The rest of the day, we held Sarah as much as possible, we just loved on her as much as we possibly could. She made it pretty easy. she was the happiest baby on the floor i will end with this video for now taken the day before her surgery...

before i go further...

let me give you a chance to fall in love with Sarah Grace....Sarah on the Right (both in the above and below pix), those gray cords are wires for her apnea

isn't she just a beautiful baby?

in and out of the hospital..

Sarah seemed to be doing really good except for a couple of colds. In May of 2007 we began to make frequent doctors appointments for both girls, though Sarah always seemed to be worse. Sarah began putting on weight. This began to raise red flags, when she was about 6 pounds bigger then her sister, because of the weight gain and asthma problems she began to fall way behind developmentally. She was taken by Ambulance right from her pediatrics office at least twice, the Reason: she could not keep her oxygen level up in the 90 %.

so we became good friends with doctors and nurses in the children's hospital where she was admitted. it seems as though Sarah felt the need to see the nurses and Dr A. for about 3 or four days a month!! once in a while Victoria joined her...these were some of the pictures of Sarah's longer stays...

WE could not figure out why she was all of a sudden gaining weight. at the time we laughed that this baby "B' who the doctors were concerned with because she wasn't gaining, was now having the opposite problem, she was now close to 6 pounds bigger then her twin. We got so many people praying that Sarah would grow, we now had to tell them to stop praying God had heard their prayers! Meanwhile the list of Doctors for Sarah grew longer.

all jokes put aside, I knew that God was preparing me for something, He had placed the song that goes like this..."you give and you take way, but my heart will choose to say, 'bless it be the name of the Lord" it was scary seeing my daughter hooked up to monitors ,and watching her oxygen level drop, so she had to have oxygen going into her, it was heart wrenching every time they came in to try and do blood work and after countless attempts the nurses gave up because they just couldn't find a good vein. she had numerous x-rays to see if they could find any infections... everything came back clear...

We knew that God gave her to us and that He had and Has a VERY special plan for her little life, it was not by chance that she was given the name Sarah Grace, Out Little Princess. because no matter what was wrong, she would always know she was our little princess...

the day we got to hold you!

So at 37 weeks, i looked like this, this pictures was actually 2 hours before i held the girls. it was a morning like no other. we had waited for so long , so it felt, for that morning to get there.

i was excited and nervous at the same time, The Doctor told us that when baby "B" was born there was a possibility that they were going to take her right to the NICU. that was hard! but we knew it was best for her. IT was so quite in the OR you could have heard a pin drop!


Then they began....out came baby "A" and then one minute later Little Sarah Grace began to cry as they pulled her out...that was the best moment, the tears just started to run down my cheek, I knew she was okay once i heard her little cry! time stopped nothing seemed to matter to me, all the concerns we had over that last 2 months were gone, I just wanted to hear her cry and she did!









it may have been one or two hours after the girls were born i was able to hold our miracle! i can remember this picture being taken, just rubbing her hand with tears of joy ! It was a moment i'll NEVER forget. She was a fighter, and the doctors couldn't say other wise!! at birth Sarah was just 3 oz. smaller then her big sister!!



All seemed to be going well and we were told we could go home just 3 days after the girls were born. I wanted to take a shower before we left the hospital, so the nurses came back to get the girls while I took a shower. when i was done they headed back to the room with the twins.


Suddenly plans changed as the nurse looked down at Sarah and noticed she was blue. Let me pause here and say I was so thankful that this happened while we were at the hospital. Sarah seemed to be doing so well and just like that everything changed. it was so scary! i was so thankful that it didn't happen hours later or even 1/2 hour later, while we were in the car on the way home! God had his hand in the situation!


They were able to get her to breath again , but she was placed in the NICU. meanwhile they discharged her sister and i was left torn, i wanted so badly to go home all together but instead i was having to kiss my baby who was cleared to go home and my husband. they headed home and i stayed with Sarah.


five days of testing and hearing monitors beep.... Sarah continued to have episodes where she would stop breathing, but thankfully she always started back up on her own. She was not gaining weight but instead began to lose so much that the doctors began to worry about it. At one point she had dropped to 3 pounds 12 oz. They could not figure out why, because she was eating...On the 5th day she was able to eat and not set of the monitor. A test she had to pass before she could leave the hospital. she was also holding her weight! My husband and i had to take a CPR class before they would release Sarah. It was so hard to sit through the video knowing why they were making us take this class knowing ,but praying that we would Never have to do it on Sarah.


we also were informed that Sarah would have to go home on an "apnea monitor" so we had to go through a training on what to do when she set it off. (if she set it off it could be either she had stopped breathing or the wires that were attached to her came loose...)


Those three days were so draining on me it was amazing. meanwhile i just wanted to hold Victoria and have "bonding" time with her. we had decided earlier on that I was going to nurse both babies. so i was nursing Sarah and bottle feeding her so that i could also pump for Victoria. yes it was hard!! It was not how we thought it was going to be but We had no choice!


Sarah was such a trooper though it all. Finally after a few feedings on the 5th day we were discharged! I was ready to be re-united with Victoria!


Over the next few weeks, Sarah did okay, she did set off the monitor while she slept or was eating, the scariest time was during the night when the monitor would go off! i was so afraid that i wouldn't hear it beeping until it was to late. Whenever she did stop breathing or the monitor went off, she would start breathing on her own! PRAISE THE LORD! there were a couple of times when she stopped breathing for about 25 seconds, these were the most frighting.



Sarah had her apnea for about 4 months, and then she was cleared to come off of it.! she became wireless at around 4 months! it was a VERY EXCITING but a nerve wrecking day when their were no more wires. Exciting because she was okay but nerve wrecking because in my mind what was going to tell me if she stopped breathing again. We had to take it day by day. we were all home and i had to rejoice in that...

she's growing

after the last appointment, we asked for people to pray that Sarah would grow and that the doctors wold no longer be overly concerned with this. so we headed back to the doctors for the next 3 weeks for heartbeat checks...every week her heartbeat got stronger, I still was not gaining any weight, but my hope and faith was rooted in Jesus. Little Sarah was his plan. God was going to do what He had planned. One other specific prayer request was that the little problem they saw with Sarah's heart would be healed and close up on its own, and that the spot on her brain would be gone in Jesus name. I would not except this sickness.

so three weeks later we were being seen once again for an in dept ultra sound. Can i just say that God is so good, the spots that they thought they saw were no longer there! Sarah was still dangerously small but it was as though God had touched her head and heart!! Thank you Lord!

they sent us back saying we will not need to see you, again. your regular doctor will keep us informed and if anything suddenly changes they will contact us.

they ordered that i begin non stress test every week and ultrasounds to make sure everything was okay.

i got to know two women named Rachel (who was the technician) and Michelle who was the non stress lady!!

Victoria or baby "a" always passed the non stress test right away, but Sarah wouldn't stay still long enough!! so we always had to go see Rachel. which really I didn't mind at all, I was able to look at Sarah in the screen!

i remember one time i was just REALLY emotional, and Sarah wasn't moving around to much and Rachel could tell i wasn't myself...so she took her time to let me see Sarah's as much as possible. and one of the times we saw Sarah turn her head, and it was as though She raised her thumb to give us a thumbs up...i just needed to see something to let me know she was okay. it was as though God knew and caused her to look right at us and put that thumb up!
Rachel said, "Wow mom she's giving you the thumbs up!"
one of the test Rachel had to so was count how many times the chest cavity would raise up..i can't remember the details but if Sarah didn't practice this "breathing"or if she didn't do it, an emergency c-section would be done to save Victoria. You don't' know how many times i prayed, "come on Sarah one more or two more times...you can do it!" God always came through!

Sarah began to grow at a steady pace, although she wasn't growing to the doctors satisfaction, she was growing. and the doctor did tell us that as long she grows that they would continue to let me carry them, but if at any times we see Baby "a" in any kind of danger we will take them. this just didn't settle in me, so i prayed and asked for prayer that these babies would do what was being asked of them!

We saw God and his humor....
I believe that it was two weeks later we watched on screen as Victoria kicked her sister in the head and Sarah moved her arms up to protect herself! it was so amazing to see it both on screen and watch my belly re-shape!
Sarah continued to fail the non-stress test, but passed the "breathing" one so we were able to go home each time.

at around 3o weeks the Doctors began to talk about taking them, i pushed with all my might to please let them continue to grow in me. I was the voice for Sarah! I was put on "bed-rest " for the rest of the pregnancy...i tried my hardest to do what the doctor was telling me too, but i had a 3 year old and an 16 month at home with no family living around us...so i did my best and tried to lay down when they did and i did take advantage of my husband when he was home! ( that part of it was so nice!!!)

Sarah was growing, just at her own pace! they were about 3 pounds and 2 pounds at this point.

Each day i would have to count the moves...there were a couple of days when i didn't feel Sarah moving at all or just one or two kicks, I'll be honest, i was scared, i wanted so badly to hold Sarah and to know that she was okay, i wanted the pregnancy to be over, i wanted Sarah to be healthy I wanted her to have "normal" life. I wanted to hear her laugh and yes even to cry!

When i went to the doctors around week 32 i had finally started to gain weight, some women would say ,wow you look really small for twins! I'm so jealous of you. in my heart i was crying...I didn't want to be "small" anymore....there was a reason i was "small" and i was ready to be "bigger" It would have been nice to hear someone say, "wow look at her she must be having twins!" nope didn't hear that at all!

Every morning i woke and asked God to just prepare me for what he had planned for the day. "Give me peace and Joy Lord to just walk in your presence for this day. breath life into Sarah and help her to grow this day! let it be the day she begins to amaze the doctors!"

Day by day God was showing me he was answering the prayers of HIS people.

At about 35 weeks,we went ahead and scheduled a c-section, why the c-section? The Doctors were still not 100% sure if there was something "wrong" with Sarah, and the fact that she was breach didn't give them hope either!

so I went home knowing that at 37 (or possibly earlier if something changed) weeks I would be able to finally see my two girls. i was excited but scared, joyful but nervous. i went home and stuck to the doctor's orders as much as possible, these next two weeks were the most important for the babies.

day 2 of excitment...turns

Well we received a phone call the very next day. with concern in the doctors voice we knew something wasn't right. the voice on the other side was saying something like" We need you to come back, we have to do some more ultrasounds ASAP, but you will need to see a specialist."

We went back to the same hospital for a few more "ultra sound-snaps" if you will. Once the technician was done the doctor came in looked at the results whispered a few things and then turned to us. The excitement was gone. We asked if both babies were okay, and the Doctor looked at us with more compassion in his eyes then the day before and said, for now both babies are okay.

We were devastated! The doctor began to tell us stuff like, "Baby B: is dangerously small, we need to keep our eyes on her. We need to keep an eye on you and your weight loss. we need to keep our eye on baby "A" As of now we don't know what is going on. we will be sending you to the specialist....the rest of the conversation is blurred.

My husband and i walked away from the hospital knowing that GOD created both babies, and both babies were perfect in His sight! WE made up our mind to say no to every kind of testing they were going to want to do to the baby. We knew that this little life, no matter how small she was, was a gift from God. and we were not going to let the Doctors determine her end result! The God we serve is the one who gives life and takes life.

we determined in our minds and heart to rejoice no matter what the circumstances looked like we would rejoice!

we went for the appointment with the specialist on August 9...this is what we saw:she looked so nice and snug! (not sure if you can see it but the little smudge to the right, right next to the little arrow outside the ultrasound itself, is baby A's limb!! the doctors were so nice. they explained that they had no answers for why baby "b" was not growing and that today's visit was just going to be them taking ultrasounds of every organ as possible to see if they could give us answers. there was not going to be a lot of talking. and they would answer any question we had in the end. we understood that they really just needed to get all they needed, to try and figure this out! then the technician came in and said, " I know they told you not to ask question until the very end, but i couldn't do that when I was in your position...so i will try and explain what pictures i am taken, i won't be able to answer to many questions but everything is going to be okay it just has too be for you also!( she was in the same situation over 20 years ago! God works in amazing ways doesn't he?)! she was so nice to us.

we were at the hospital for about 2 hours. After the ultra sound was completed, the doctor looked at some of the pictures (or what ever you want to call them) and showed us what they were concerned with. baby "b" had what seemed to be a leakage in her heart and calcium deposits on her brain...i had no idea what all of this meant expect the leakage in her heart! i broke down. you see i have a nephew who was born with half a heart. the parents have gone through so much and to look at what their little boy has gone through, I didn't' want to go through it, I didn't want to put her through it. all i could think about was heart surgery with her. i wasn't a strong enough person to go threw that.

I want to be completely honest with you, you who take the time to read this. i was scared for her. i didn't want her to feel pain. i didn't want our little girl to have to go through all of this. at a point of the doctor telling us the list of things that could be wrong i broke down to the point of shaking. We asked the doctor if we could be left alone for a few minutes. It felt as though death had come into that room. the Doctor left and i looked at my husband and said, i want the Lord to just take her if she is going to have a life of sickness. i won't be able to live with myself. He grabbed my two hands and said, "God is in control! He's not going to let anything happen that we can't handle, He will give us strength." then he prayed.

The Doctor came back in and said, "we will let you know if we find out any more. but please remember to take care of yourself, there is a second baby in there! None of this is your fault, you couldn't have prevented it from happening. we will take it step by step. she asked if they could do test on the amniotic fluids, we declined it, "saying no, what is the purpose of doing it, if she has any kind of sickness, she's no less of a person! we are still going to love her as much as her sister, by letting you do the tested, it's only putting her and her sister in danger. WE have decided to decline any kind of testing that will put her in ANY kind of danger." and from that point on we were never asked again.

we knew the road ahead was going to be full of blessings, hard times, tears and joy! but we decided in our hearts to rejoice no matter what the circumstances looked like! we needed to rejoice so that others would see the face of Jesus and the peace that only comes from him!

as we sat waiting for the secretary to make our next appointment we sat in silence.I know for me i was just trying to comprehend all that was just said to us... I turned to my husband and i said, " We need to decide today what names they will have. We had already agreed on Victoria Elizabeth and Sarah Grace. i left it up to my husband who would be who. He immediately said baby "b" will be Sarah Grace. He didn't even think about it, it was as though he was already thinking about her! I asked why should she be Sarah? His answer was short and sweat,"so she will know-no matter what, that she is our little Princess" and then his eyes filled up with tears.

no more words were needed! we made our next appointment, we would come back in three weeks, but mean while we would see the OBG doctor for heartbeat checks. and regular weekly ultrasounds checks would be done.

Meanwhile we got as many people as we knew praying for Sarah Grace and asking God to shine, "prove them wrong Lord, show them there is nothing "wrong" let her grow Lord let her grow Lord" is all i could pray for....

let me introduce you to our "fighter"

We were so excited! We found out that our youngest was going to be a big brother! The test immediately read positive!! but what we didn't know is what this blog is all about!

I hope it brings many to the cross of Jesus, Our Creator, out Father, Our Savior. I pray that if you are one who reads this blog and are going through a difficult time, that you will find yourself being lifted up into the arms of Jesus! not all post will end happy, but they will be truthful! we don't know what road God will choose for us to go down as a family but what we are sure of is that our hope and Final answer is in Jesus Christ! We may not know what the future hold but we do know who holds the future! he is holding us today as he has shown us.

Our journey began in the early months of 2006. For this is when we found out that our youngest boy was going to be a "BIG brother." it seemed to be a "normal" pregnancy until one day i thought i felt a kick a little to early. I called the doctor and they said, nothing to worry about it may be just a "gas bubble" something didn't settle but i wasn't in pain so i just said okay...

I remember the day like is was yesterday. i was sitting in the "new babies" room and was folding clothes, going through our others kids clothes.

we never had a 10 week ultra sound because everything sounded great! The heartbeat was strong! the doctors began getting worried when i wasn't gaining weight. at one point they began talking about sending me home with an IV but after some prayer, i began to gain little by little. to the Doctors satisfaction! PRAISE THE LORD, i don't know how i would have done it with 2 children already at home. one was 14 months and one was 3!

We hit our 20 weeks and still no ultrasounds! i know i was kinda bummed because i REALLY wanted to see what our baby looked like! around week 22 or 23 we finally had our "level 2 ultra sound"

we were so excited! we had decided that we would find out the sex of the baby. we had the names picked out if we were going to have a boy his name would be Matthew and if God gave us a girl her name would be Sarah Grace. so i was on the table with jelly on my belly! My husband and i are looking at the screen and I'm thinking something doesn't look right and meanwhile mu husband is thinking the same things...and then we see and here her say,"yep there definitely are twins in there!!....my mouth dropped, my husband grabbed my hand and squeezed so tight!

The first words out of his mouth were"what did you just say?" poor Rachel, didn't know we didn't know!! she turned to us and said, "I'm sorry i thought you knew!" i started to cry! tears of Joy of course!! this is what we walked away with that day!!

baby "A" above and baby "B" below

the feelings my husband and i had went from being excited, shocked, worried..(we had a car big enough for 3 car seats not four!!) speechless! non stop talk! All the above were felt in less then 2 seconds!!

My husbands conversation on the way home was nothing but COMPLETE joy!! God was giving us twins!! and as far as the tech could tell we were having twin girls!!! guess Matthew wasn't going to work! i wanted to keep the second baby as a surprise!! i thought it would be fun to have a second baby "pop"out and say surprise to family!! my husband wasn't going along with that idea!! although he said it would be funny!!! we decided we would make phone calls and when they asked what we were having a boy or a girl we would answer "no!"

I will admit, my way would have been fun, but listening to peoples responds to "no" was fun!! they were so confused! some didn't believe us, some started to cry, some shouted for joy and some said a prayer!! for when they asked we said no we are not having a boy or girl but twin girls! they were shocked, and excited for us!!