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Sunday, July 6, 2008

The heartbeat of JESUS!

On November 21, 2007 (which was the girls first birthday) my husband took Sarah along with her three siblings out for the morning so that I could get some sleep after working all night. It was going well. so we thought...

When they returned, Jacob mentioned to me that Sarah was gagging a lot. I seriously thought had something stuck in her throat or on the roof of her mouth. they were home about 15 minutes and my motherly instincts kicked in, or maybe it was God giving me can be the judge.

I was not able to help Sarah get whatever it was causing her to gag, out. I tried everything but nothing was working. Sarah was breathing okay, she was just not herself.

i decided that she needed to get to the closest ER. Her doctor's office was closed and so i did the next thing i knew...rushed her to the ER. I walked in and went to the desk and said, "she's having problems breathing." they rushed us back and gave her Oxygen right away. they had a pulse-ox on her and as long as the oxygen was on her she was okay, but as soon as it was taken away, it dropped to about 75. They couldn't let her go home because if you know anything about our oxygen level it needs to be in the upper 90's.

Sarah was definitely not herself, she wasn't fighting the mask, she was just sitting in my lap, with her head pressed up against my chest. not fighting anything or anyone.

the decision was made to send her to the children's hospital...yep Sarah saw need to see Dr. A and her favorite nurses. one more time. the problem was, i had 3 other children at home and a husband who needed to go back to work. we don't live near any family and so i was stuck. I had no other choice but to kiss Sarah Good bye and meet up with her in the Hospital. This was all part of God's plan...

God was holding me back,I felt in my heart, although it was difficult, I had to let her go by herself. "You give and you take away, but my heart will choose to say, bless it be the Lord..."

I will be honest, I cried when the ambulance drove off.

it was now about 4:30, I had to go home and try to call my boss to let her know most likely i would not be coming into work that night, We had to try and get someone to come over so that i could be free to go tp teh hospital

....Around 6:00 I was still at home trying to tie the knots, making sure everyone was okay for me to leave, and then the phone rang.

this is what i heard on the other end...

The Doctor was on the other end, "mom so whats been going on with Sarah?"

me: she was gagging and staring today, just not herself, and at the ER she couldn't keep her oxygen up past 75%

Doctor: he wanted to run some test on Sarah, because she just wasn't herself. he asked for permission

Me: yes please do what ever you need to, just remember her veins are hard to get to,So i request the best nurse that has worked on children, no one else.

Doctor: "when will you be coming here?"


we say good bye. after he encourages me that she's okay.

i run upstairs to back my bag, and when i come downstairs the phone was ringing.

i answered it again, (By this time Jacob is walking in the house).

It was the doctor again: "mom, i don't want to get you worried, your daughter is doing fine okay? but when I got off the phone with you just a few minutes ago, I walked into Sarah's room and she was twitching on her right side. I ordered a C.A.T scan right away. and we are waiting for the results. i will call you back when i get the results. Please don't go anywhere until you hear from me again. okay.

Me: okay, but she is okay right, she's breathing and all?

Doctor: yes she's moving around, she breathing, shes doing okay.

Me: okay please call me back as soon as you hear something.

WE say good-bye

This was when i completely lost it! I had to go back in the house and tell my husband what the doctor just told me, I couldn't even get the words out, he prayed and i composed myself enough to tell him, "Sarah is okay but she was twitching on her Right side,I have to call Pastor and get people praying for Sarah. So I called my Pastor, didn't get an answer, so I called my one neighbor who is like family told her and asked her to please pray for Sarah, Called Pastor again and this time i got through.

As soon as i heard his voice,I lost it again, I told him that they did a C.A.T scan and they were waiting for the results, but that Sarah had been twitching...He began to pray and rebuked this attack, he prayed for peace, he prayed for wisdom and safety. As he prayed, I felt complete peace come over me, not peace that this world gives, but peace like I've never felt before, Jesus himself had given me peace that was so badly needed.

i told him i needed to make some more calls and that we'd call him when i found out more.

The doctor called us back and said, "Mom we are life flighting Sarah. I really don't like telling you this over the phone, but in this situation i will. (I wish i could some how put into words how much love you could hear in his voice,) your daughters scan showed bleeding on the left side of her brain. she is stable and we've ordered am MRI and EEG to see if what i saw, when i walked into her room, was a seizure..."

my world stopped...i can not explain to you the thoughts that were going through my mind...while he was still talking i softly said, "Jesus help me, help her" once again that peace came into me.

There was a battle going on, and Satan would not win, for fear is not from God.

The Doctor told us that she would be in PICU of the hospital, come as soon as you can, but don't worry, she is going to be okay.

My husband and i made more phone calls to the pastor and to family and then we were off to the hospital.

it was the longest 1 1/2 hour drive that i have ever taken. On the ride we prayed that God's will be done, We simply asked that God would prepare us for what ever his plan was. we played worship songs and prayed the entire time.

we got to the hospital and they took us go see Sarah, she was sleeping so we stayed for just a little bit and then they called us over to the computer to show us what they had seen.

Let me stop here, to explain something:

the moment i walked into Sarah rooms, God should me the following, (and for all of you who are reading this and thinking, I'm a "bad" mother for not going with my daughter on the ambulance, hopefully this will change your mind about me.) Remember how i said It was God keeping me back from going with her, well i realized that this was all part of God's plan, you see if I would have gone with Sarah on the ambulance, I would most likely of been holding Sarah when the doctor walked into her room, making the twitching less noticeable. that twitching is what raised the red flags that something else was going on. I praise the Lord that I wasn't there and that SArah was twitiching as the Dcotor walked into her room, and you will know why as you continue to read.

Now back to What was happening in the hospital:

they wanted to do an MRI but they said they needed to wait on it. Sarah would have to be sedated and because she had a little cold, (and was a big baby) it was too risky, she may not be able to come out of the sedation. but they were keeping a close watch on her and if her vital signs dropped then they would be forced to go ahead with it. they were also watching for more twitching.

She was on oxygen and fluids only through an IV , they had wires on her chest keeping track of her vital was heart wrenching to see my little girl like that.

We were now playing the waiting game, Sarah had to get better or clear up a little before they would do this MRI to see what was really going on. they were not 100% sure if it was "just" bleeding, they needed to find out. We did know from the EEG that she was having seizures. WE waited 3 days before they could do any further testing on her. they eventually did the MRI.

I was to the point of just needing to go home and spend time with my other children, take a shower and just get a different perspective or view, what ever you want to call it. I knew that Sarah as in the best place she could be. So I left her and went home just for the day. My plan was to go back up around 7:00 at night.

SO i decided i would sit down at the computer and just send emails to update people who were praying.

As i sat down at the computer i had this over whelming peace come upon me. and instantly i saw my husband and i holding Sarah while Jesus bent down and picked us up and brought us close to His chest. All we could hear was HIS heartbeat. now if you are a mom or a parent, you know that the mother's heartbeat calms a crying baby and gives the baby peace.

It was as though Jesus was picking us up to bring us close to him, so that we would hear his heartbeat. by now there were at least 100 or more people praying not only for Sarah but for us as parents, God was hearing their prayers and we were being blessed with showers of peace.

God didn't make us go through this on our own, He showed me that Jesus was carrying us through it, and as long as we listened to HIS heartbeat we would have peace....

I shared this "vision" with Jacob and a couple of others, they were speechless. what can you say after something like that? not much..

I headed back to the hospital, ready to take on what ever came our way. The next day Jacob was at the hospital to hear what the results were, He knew i shouldn't do it by myself so he made arrangmetns for babysitters and school for our one boy...he made sure everything was taken care of!
The doctor walked in and said, all the nice polite stuff and then just laid it our for us, he said, "your daughters MRI came back and I'm sorry to have to tell you this but she has a brain tumor. My world stopped again,I closed my eyes and that's when i saw arms surrounding was up to me would i listen for the heartbeat? The doctor reached up and grabbed my hand and said, "It's going to be okay. You guys don't have to choose to operate on it now, we can wait, but i will tell you this and it never happens, but I have an opening tomorrow! "(now lets get real, how many of you know that this NEVER happens unless it's a God thing!) My husband looked at me and i looked at him, all i said was "heartbeat" and he knew, it was as though we already new and we didn't need to pray about the decision. God had showed us already! and people were already covering Sarah in Prayer! There was no time to put it off. ( now i don't suggest that any of you who may be reading this go and make HUGE decisions like this with out praying, but Jacob and i both knew with out doubt that God was in it and was leading us EVERY step of the way. We knew that we knew that we knew God was saying do it, don't wait.)

I will tell you , that i did not think once about the danger that my daughter was in, at that moment when we said, "yes go ahead and do the surgery". her life was on the line and this thought didn't even cross my mind, why? because all i was hearing was the heartbeat of Jesus, when we had Sarah and her sister dedicated, we had Given Sarah back to the Lord and we meant it, she was not ours to keep, God could do anything he wanted with her, we simply asked that he would prepare us for His plan with her life. And with out a doubt he had prepared us.

The rest of the day, we held Sarah as much as possible, we just loved on her as much as we possibly could. She made it pretty easy. she was the happiest baby on the floor i will end with this video for now taken the day before her surgery...